The Shadow Figure

That is irrelevant to the point at hand,

said the shadow behind my frail body.

She tells me that when I look at the gallery

and see prospects of a creative future ahead

instead of in gray rooms with scientists

or waging wars with unwilling enemies

even though my Body Mass Index

tells me everything against shedding the skin

of innocent men with a much deeper will to win.

How are you so sure you can't win? You are my blood, you can do anything you set your mind to.

But I should ask myself something,

something the shadow has asked me a number of times before:

Could I manage both?

Perhaps, by chance,I can explore these analytical worlds she wished of me

I can create artificial intelligence that can do anything I can do

at such a speed we would never think of in our wisest years

I can make beautiful inventions using my mathematical prowess and

give it to the government, to lead the revolution of the white man's colony

I can create a brand new world and emboss myself

in the next millennium as somebody who has made a change.

But also

I can create the greatest art I know I can

and achieve even a mild grain of success

from the inspiration and guidance of my own idols

But will it sustain you? How many figures are you trying to make per year?

i have no need to care about capitalization in the next stanza

or if it even has to be a stanza at all

because poets know no boundaries in their art

no artist does

No artist want to be prodper witgh the r spell,gf

or garmmmer}-; ,

No artist has to show obligation to their craft

No artist will look like the next

I for sure don't want to

Or at least, I try not to be, but in all reality

sometimes a little bit of creative freedom and pecking at another's work

can really make all the difference

I'm not The Beatles, but I'd rather be sat in the cupboard, writing it down in neat.

I understand where the shadow wants me to go

but also, sometimes, I wish it never followed me all the time…

I understand your love for art, but it needs to be on the side.

I want you to prioritize these amazing opportunities at hand. You could change the world.

Hello, can I order a small fries with a double Big Mac on the side

and for that Mac can I get some extra cheese and no pickles

Oh, and also, could I get two apple pies? Thank you very much

For the drink, I'll take two large Sprites, one for me and one for my husband

Thank you, have a nice day!

Stop f—ing playing with me. What money are you going to make from scribbling on paper until you're old? Are you really sure about what you're getting into?

You could do so many things as a theoretical physicist, like Einstein, you see how he did!

You can also do art on the side. I just want you to put important things on the forefront.

But I want to do art as a career. I grew out of physics.

Stop speaking when I speak.

If you run your mouth with me one more time, I'll beat your a–. And I mean really beat you.

I'm finished with this conversation.

I don't want to talk to you anymore.

I begin to walk away, when-

Blackout

I open my eyes faintly

and all I can see is a white room

with a bed beneath me, a coffee table, and two chairs

All white, no doors in sight.

A woman, looking to be in her late 20s, sits on the chair

opposite the right hand side of the wall

and glares at me as if I were a wanted man

She doesn't say anything, and neither do I

nor do we want to talk either

because I know who this woman is

and she knows who I am

and we already know what we would want to talk about if we wanted to talk about it

but it would devolve into a disaster, and it was the last thing either of us wanted

so we sat with our mouths shut, letting the ultrasonic silence speak for us

And perhaps

I never felt a more deafening feeling in my years

I attempted to quietly reflect on what the shadow behind me said for a while in bed

ignoring the lightheadedness from such a lack of sound, such a deathly silence in the room

and I eventually realized what she really wanted

All she wanted was my prosperity, to follow in my journeys as a successful man

and watch me, little by little, change the world, in the ways she found acceptable

Now, would it be sensible for me to agree with everything she wants? No, neverBut she's followed me since I was in the womb

Fed Lorenzo, watched his first steps

Watched cartoons with him and took him outside to the park

Fought for him to get into the best schools and stood by his ambitious artistic visions

Wanting him to become the inspiring person he wanted to be

Lorenzo, with all my soul in him, made himself the man I wish I was

and perhaps, the man I was destined to be

given there's always a chance, though a meager one, that she'll look square through me

and see someone dazzled in garish outfits and waist long hair and maybe a tattoo of Radiohead's modified bear on my forearm

who splashes red and blue paint on the wall and is damn proud of himself for it.